The only true mission of any organization is survival. Companies where
“excellence” is embedded in its culture are invariably in the spotlight, run by
overachievers and are candidates for hostile takeovers. Companies that live by tidal
trends will sink or swim, and frequently drown in the undertow.
But computer simulations prove that survival correlates best with
unobtrusiveness, and all major trends are doomed to collapse from their own weight.
Survivors coast under the radar.
Therefore, I am pleased to offer these “Guides for Cautious Executives” who yearn
to stay in the back of the pack. Mediocrity, once achieved, cannot be denied. It will
carry a company through thick.
I asked what organizations are truly mediocre models. Our average panel voted
these companies, brands and entities to be unexceptional:
Ford
France
The Pirates
MSNBC
Kmart/Sears
We examined them carefully, and concluded that they will probably live long lives,
unconcerned and oblivious. Can you think of some more living mediocrities?
Cautious managers are not in the limelight. We have a process that identifies nega-
trends, based on the Principle of Omission. We studied whatever is not in the news,
what is not a fad. We have proven that nega-trends, once identified, can be used to
justify the most comfortable course.
Combining the habits of the most mediocre institutions with nega-trends, we’ve
come up with eleven immortal “Guides for Cautious Executives,” If you observe
them dispassionately, you can achieve everlasting indifference.
Here they are:
1. Innovation: There’s nothing new under the sun. Innovators are degenerate boat
rockers. The patent office should have closed a century ago, because there is
nothing left to invent. New products are for high rollers; you should “Know when
to fold ‘em,” and that’s now. Don’t try anything new and risky.
2. Human Resources: The touchy-feely black hole. People are the way they are and
you can’t change them. You shouldn’t try. Watch out for today’s fads, such as
“Talent Management” and “Succession Planning.” These are the fruits of the
educational “Self Esteem” movement and, heaven forbid, could lead to “Social
Computing.” Don’t try to understand people and change them.
3. Solution Selling and Customer Relationship Management: No match for a shoe
shine, a cigar, and a smile. If your salesmen talk like psychologists, they will drive
you right to the couch. Good ol’ boys are the way to go. Your customers should just
buy your products, not you.
4. Strategic Planning: Contemplating the Corporate Navel. Mediocre planning must
be pure, uncontaminated by mention of implementation or accountability. We must
fight the alarming tendency to shorten the time-frame of planning. Forget about the
next three years and concentrate on the far future, when things should calm down.
Remember:
A. Planning should be done only by planner, not doers.
B. Any plan of less than a ten-year vision is an exercise in expediency.
C. Communication of the plan should be limited to those empowered to revise it. Broader exposure can cause corporate unrest.
5. Corporate Culture: A Bias for B.S. Action is the natural enemy of mediocrity.
Therefore, a company that has a bias for action will operate in the high-risk mode.
Fortunately, action can easily be diverted into pointless activity, and activity diffuses
into B.S. When this becomes ingrained, managers need not worry about such ugly
phrases as “task orientation” or “management by objectives.” Some tips:
A. Preach and live the doctrine that contemplation is the highest calling.
B. Leeave no stone unturned. If all are turned, turn them back. Further
study is prudent.
C. Always play for the tie.
6. Advertising and Marketing: From Positioning to Posturing. Positioning has been
rightly described as the art of irrelevant distinction. The most mediocre are never
trapped into over-defining and hence limiting their offerings. We have seen a
pattern among our select institutions that we call “Power Posturing.” You have
reached this level if you can make these affirmations:
A. My company has taken the high ground on all issues, such as
corporate responsibility. (For proof, see our Mission Statement!)
B. We don’t want customers. We want friends who share our values.
We’ll be happy with 23/6.
C. We don’t satisfy needs. We offer fulfillment.
7. Public Relations: The Spinning Age of Disinformation. There is but one cardinal
rule: Facts and truth, like beauty and spooned grapefruit juice, are in the eye of the
beholder. Learn from the politicians---answer only your own questions. Muddle
through. Don’t take a stand, step aside.
8. Finance: A Borrower nor a Lender Be. The intricacies, uncertainties and risks of
modern financial management require expertise beyond the skills of mediocrity.
Therefore, keep all funds in an on-line checking account.
9. Manufacturing: Make it or Break It? There is a bogus issue in some quarters
called “quality control.” This is anathema to mediocrity. As long as your output is a
sincere effort, buyers should be happy to get it. Outsource wherever you can, settle
for Sigma Five and a Half.
10. Organizational Planning: From Lean to Neo-flatulent. Mediocrity cannot be
achieved on an empty stomach. Leanness must be eschewed. Proper staffing
requires back-up support at every job level. Here are tests to indicate adequacy:
A. Generic job descriptions are good enough for all positions.
B. Tenure is granted for all employees as soon as they qualify for major medical.
C. Hire well-rounded, socially aware C students.
11. Visible Management: Back Row, by the Aisle. In some circles, “hands-on”
management is extolled. But why? How can workers be fulfilled if they are watched?
The proper place for mediocre management is at the rear, by the aisle. From there
they have a clear view of the proceedings, but can escape quickly in case of fire.
These guides should suffice for now. I will continue to watch for stories that don’t
make the papers. But we doubt we’ll learn anything more, because the strength of
mediocrity is that it doesn’t change. You can’t be too cautious. You can’t just talk
about mediocrity-- you have to live it—to execute it every day.
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